Once again, it's a weekend battle of head-to-head stars. In this corner, we have the one-note, nervous, dysfunctional comedy of Ben Stiller. And in this corner we have one of the coolest, most talented forces of nature to dominate Hollywood, and let's face it one of the nicest guys around, George Clooney. You know the rules: let's drop the cage. Two men enter! One man leaves!

In the box office this weekend: Winner = Stiller
Even if Michael Clayton weren't opening in limited release this weekend, Clooney would still get his hindquarter handed to him on a plate by The Heartbreak Kid. Ben Stiller has entered a special category of celebrity with the likes of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence that allows him to make some of the most unwatchable pieces of dreck you've ever seen and still make over $100 million doing it. Clooney's films never make that much money, unless of course the movie's title includes the word Ocean's followed by a number.

In the critical arena: Winner = Clooney
Clooney can do no wrong. By alternating mainstream fare with well-chosen edgy films (not to mention having directed two knockout films of his own), Clooney continues to prove his dedication to making good films and leaving a real body of work behind him. Stiller stopped making real movies after he got his check for Meet the Parents and never looked back. Oh, and it turns out Clooney's movie is supposed to be good. Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid, on the other hand, is an hour and a half of my life I will never get back.

In their careers: Winner = Clooney
Actor, director, beloved celebrity: the man is an icon. Stiller hasn't played anything but the same character since Clinton was in office and all three of the films he directed are total turkeys. Clooney is going to go down in history as a man who changed the face of Hollywood. Stiller will end up playing the aging father roles on sitcoms as he follows in his father's footsteps.

In a fight: Winner = Clooney
Come on, Clooney is totally The Fonz of our generation. Can you imagine The Fonz losing a fight? Hell no. Clooney.

Winner = Clooney
Like it was even a contest!

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