Britney Spears' performance at the 2007 Video Music Awards has been hyped for weeks now. The word that "insiders" used to describe it was "shocking." I wasn't sure exactly how Britney Spears planned to shock us. What hasn't she done? I told a friend this afternoon that I had to get home to watch Britney Spears open the VMAs. "What's the rush?" he asked. "Who hasn't seen Britney Spears' opening?"

Britney Spears' big comeback performance was indeed shocking. It was shockingly bad. It was shockingly boring. It was shockingly, tragically disappointing. I thought about the 2003 VMAs, where Britney performed (and sucked face) with Madonna. Watching Britney's performance on Sunday night was a lot like watching Madonna's 2006 tour: thirty seconds in, and you know she's going to get crucified.

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In what I can only describe as foreshadowing, the show opened with a close-up of Britney's pitiful extensions. Honestly, Britney, you couldn't wear a wig for the occasion? Britney turns around to show the world her bright blue contacts -- and is that a herpes sore on her upper lip? Seriously, is it? Jesus. And then we hear the already-familiar opening line of "Gimme More," her aptly named comeback single: "It's Britney, bitch." And then a hint of a knowing smile out of Brit. Like she's getting ready to rock our worlds.

But it's not Britney. It's not the Britney we used to know. She nearly trips twice in the first ten seconds. Is she drunk? Is she high? Probably. Her body looks, admittedly, pretty damn good, in high black boots and a silver sequined two-piece, but that's about the biggest shock you're gonna get outta her. Her dancing is half-hearted. No, that's polite. Her dancing is quarter-hearted. Actually, let's call it fifth-hearted, out of respect for the quantity of vodka she likely consumed beforehand. She looked better in rehearsals. Her eyes are dead. The dancing is lazy. Do I even have to mention that she's lip-synching? This performance is devoid of energy. This performance is a black hole, and it's sucking up any and all energy in a ten-mile radius, and -- we know now -- the VMAs are not going to recover.

She's slithering around with her leather-clad female dancers (didn't Madonna already make this video?), and I'm getting ready for this crazy, shocking show she's been working on with illusionist Criss Angel to really get started. But all we get is some male dancers.

And because what Britney Spears needs right now is to sex up her girl-next-door image, she grabs her male dancer's package ten seconds after he gets on stage. Crude on-stage sexuality. How shocking. Oh, and then she almost trips again. The camera pans to the audience members: Rihanna, Diddy, and 50 Cent all look painfully unimpressed. Quizzical, almost. Everyone's waiting. "When does the cool shit start?"

The song ends. Okay. Okay. This is where the cool shit starts. Right? This is where Britney Spears suddenly clones herself and shows up as 18 different Britney Spears, in different outfits, on every side of the stage, and then all the Britney Spears start making out with each other, and then a dragon comes and Tupak Shakur is riding it. Then Britney and Tupak do a duet of "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman." Grey Goose vodka rains down from the ceiling, and Britney lights it on fire, and then she dances on the fire while Tupak raps, and then Anna Nicole Smith swoops in and she and Britney do the shimmy. Right??

No. The song ends, and then Britney leaves the stage, and then it's over. The only illusion you saw on that stage, people, is the illusion that this woman is in any way prepared to make a comeback. The only disappearing act? I don't really have to spell out that joke for you, do I?

So what the hell happened? What had Britney really been working on with Criss Angel all those weeks? Why didn't we get to see any of it? And why couldn't she even try to put on a half-decent performance? Well, here's a clue: the night before the big show, Britney was spotted out partying in Vegas until the wee hours of the morning, tossing back champagne and anything else she could get her hands on. Way to take this seriously, Brit. My guess is that the details of this tragedy will start trickling out in the next couple of days. I can't wait.

The VMAs, which were, overall, L-A-M-E this year, closed with a performance featuring Justin Timberlake. "This is it!" I told my friends. "She's gonna come out now, and sing with Justin Timberlake, and then they're gonna have a dance-off!" I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before! That would be shocking! That would actually be shocking! I was so excited. I waited and waited for Britney to drop from the rafters, perhaps to the opening notes of "...Baby One More Time." Ooooh, it was going to be so great.

But in a fitting conclusion to this anticlimactic show, Britney never came. I, for one, am pissed. I give her a hard time, but I've been rooting for Ms. Spears for all along. I think a lot of us have been. We really, truly wanted to see her come onto that stage and remind us of the Britney Spears we knew in the good old days. That Britney didn't show up on Sunday night, and I've lost hope of her ever showing up again. She didn't even try. The performance was a huge "f--- you" to her fan base, her record label and MTV. I'm over it, Britney. Don't gimme more. Just go away.

Read More: MTV Awards Bounce Back After Britney

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