After weeks of who-will-win-it-ness, the season finale for cycle 11 of America’s Next Top Model finally rolled around this week, and in its honour head girl Tyra Banks decided to plug her hair directly into Amsterdam’s electrical supply. See it to believe it!

The show opened with our three remaining wannabe models - McKey, Sam and Analeigh - still in the Dutch capital. Squeals of excitement heralded the arrival of Tyra Mail and the first challenge was to film a Cover Girl commercial on a boat, partly in Dutch and to snog a boy. Yes, a real live boy! Cue shrieks from the girls and Analeigh staying up all night to learn three lines.

The commercial was shot on a canal boat, with silver fox Jay supervising and telling our girls how excited he was. To show just how much, he produced Cycle 10 winner Whitney, there to gee the girls up and take their mind off having to speak Dutch on camera. It worked, kinda.

Sam stepped up first – she got her words out but her eyes were all over the place and Jay told her so. Second to the plate was McKey: past form said she should be a gallumping mess, and although she struggled with the Dutch lines -“I was freaking out!” – she got better, even if she was struck by a gigantic case of head-twiddling. Analeigh the commercial queen was last: would all that rehearsing pay off? Erm, no. Her mind went blank, she forgot all the words and was more wooden than the boat itself. Oh dear.

Next up was the print ad for Cover Girl, which is set to become a national ad, a Times Square billboard and be on show in Walmart. Right next to the Oreo display and down the aisle from the Hershey bars we hope. The photographer for the shoot was amusingly called Jim De Yonker. Jim reckoned Sam was sweet, but needed to be cleverer. Ahem. Also according to Big Yonks, Analeigh can work her body, but there’s more to modelling. McKey bared her teeth in the shoot, Jim was impressed and told us she’s “koo-koo but I love her. She’s unique.”

End of round one as a Tyra Mail informed the girls that tomorrow they’d meet with the judges and only two would continue on. Cue bad pjs and dreams of killing the other two in their sleep. Now that would have made great TV…

The next day, they faced the panel with Sam rocking a vest top and Nigel telling her she was “distracted by herself”. Neither Sam or Analeigh’s photoshoots were much cop and Annaleigh got told her commercial was a trainwreck. Renowned supermodel Paulina Porizkova says it “sucked” and Tyra nods gleefully. McKey’s commercial was surprisingly good and her photo is deemed gorgeous. Tyra tells her she looks naughty-sweet and not naughty-crazy, and to watch her crazy eye. Everyone looks confused or embarrassed. And what is going on with Tyra’s hair?! Anyway, exit stage left Analeigh: “I did my best, I gave my heart and that’s all I can give.”

It’s down to the final two and they shoot the cover of 17 Magazine. Sam says: “It’s so me – I was 17 three months ago!” She is a child. Her and McKey pose away – the lady from 17 Magazine says it’s too tough to call. Next up is the runway show. Jay calls it his “willy wonka dr zeuss” runway and tells the girls not to worry about the pink hills. They worry anyway.

Sam says she has to think about how she will walk. McKey is anxious and excited. The crowd arrives, the designer gear is on, the girls look like they might vomit backstage. Tyra arrives to tell them nerves are fine. “Go out and make momma proud!” she crows, without an ounce of irony.

Whitney is out first; McKey is next – she doesn’t fall over and gallops up the first pink hill with something approaching style. Sam is next and she also fails to fall over. Even stevens. McKey is out next in a green number, while Sam is a flowing vision of silver, albeit one who looks like she might burst into tears at any given second. Then they get to walk around clapping and everyone bows. Nobody has tripped up and Tyra is proud.

For the final judging panel, the girls are still dressed up and Tyra looks like an angular nightmare. Nigel, J Alexander and Paulina wave hello for the final time. The verdicts on the runway are given. Tyra tells McKey that “you didn’t just serve dress, you served face.” Still nobody says what an eejit she is. Mr Jay liked it, as did Paulina. Everyone also liked Sam’s walk, but she didn’t serve face apparently. Well, not a face that Tyra liked anyhow.

There follows a pointless shuffle through past photoshoots where the judges claw for some parity in the contest, but it’s plain that McKey is the winner. Tyra tells her so and she picks Tyra up, yelps and does star jumps. Sam blubs, but Tyra tells her to kick arse. Sam tells camera she never saw herself as pretty. McKey meanwhile screams again: “It’s a dream come true – I’m so proud of myself!”

And so another season of America’s Next Top Model draws to a close, in what was one of the most foregone conclusions of recent years. McKey shot like a dream, posed like a vixen and had legs that went on for miles. Tick, tickety, tick! We’ll be back with season 12 in the autumn. Ta ra!

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