While watching America’s Next Top Model with my oh-so-lovely, but very sick, girlfriend last night, I realized something that up until now had somehow eluded me. If you’re a young woman, pretty enough, and have dreams of becoming a supermodel who dates an ever-changing lineup of sub-par “rock stars,” why would you ever apply to the American version of this so-called reality show? After all, there are a few dozen other Top Model series around the world where your odds would be significantly greater. You know, like Scandinavia’s Next Top Model, currently hosted by this week’s guest judge in the States, Vendela, who, by the way, is not looking as good as she used to.

Scandinavia, at least the region generally considered as such, consists of roughly 19.5 million citizens (roughly 50% of which are female), which means, even before you apply to Scandinavia’s Next Top Model, you already have a 9 in 9,750,000 chance or a 1 in 1,083,333 chance. Hell, if you apply to the Slovakian equivalent, H'lada sa Supermodelka, you’d have a 1 in 208,500 chance of winning every year just by the sheer virtue of having been born. Compare that to America’s Next Top Model, where, every season, you only have a 1 in 11,673,076 chance, though, if you’re Dominique and get a special waiver to compete in Cycle 10, you increase your odds and the odds of your competition to 1 in 10,892,857.

Looking at the math this way, I really have to wonder why more American girls with the modeling bug don’t head over to small Eastern European countries like Slovakia, apply for citizenship, and make things easier for themselves. It can’t be so hard to emigrate to these locales, since their hot women have been fleeing to North American strip clubs for a couple of decades now; they probably need to replenish their stock!

Anyway, I’m supposed to be talking about what happened on Top Model last night. Believe it or not, not much. Oh, the producers tried to make it look like a lot of drama was happening by cutting the show this way and that, but all they’re succeeding in doing is breaking each model down into comical types the same way Star Trek always reduced alien species to one single characteristic: Klingons like war; Vulcans like logic; Orions like sex. On Top Model, Lauren likes Converse; Fatima likes insulting people; Whitney likes to be the boss like Tony Danza (or was that Judith Light?); Anya likes to model, oh, God, she really likes to model; Marvita likes to mask her self-loathing by trying to be pretty; and Dominique… well, Dominique likes to glorify herself in third person.

After a lot of faux-conflict about racism (who knew Dominique was black?), the models threw down in an 8 Mile-like model freestyle that saw Claire walk away the winner. The photo shoot skewed differently, as the models gave good face while colored paint was dripped on them; Dominique somehow took second place, while Stacy Ann walked away on top.

At the bottom, Whitney and Marvita faced off despite the fact that Fatima should’ve wound up there; after all, she was sporting underarm hair at the photo shoot, a disgusting no-no. In the end, Marvita was sent packing, but, in case you’re reading this, Marvita, Croatia’s Super Model is accepting applications. Your odds of winning would be much better there: 1 in 171,154, in fact!

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