Hey folks, it's Live Diary time! You've come to expect nothing but the best from this format, and I will guarantee at least half of that. Sit back, relax, and let's delve into the biggest reality show in the universe!

8:01: American Idol has produced a hundred #1 CDs? How do they tabulate this stuff? Do they get a number 1 for every record sold?

8:02: Montage time as "Teenage Wasteland" plays in the background. I’m not one to claim irony ... but c’mon.

8:04: Am I the only one who sees a little Jerry Springer in American Idol?

8:05: Acclaimed pop star Jewel! Okay, I like her, but let’s not stretch it by saying “her success continues today.”

8:06: They are in Minny SODA!

8:08: And we have our first victim. Poor Jewel, she’s been asked to slaughter a gal who can’t sing (call-sign Jessica). This could be our first Idol suicide.

8:10 : Simon tells her the good news; she’s found out she can’t sing so she can just move on with her life. She collapses in tears.

8:13: Right now, somewhere, Paula Abdul is out there. And she’s coming for you. And we both know it will take an elephant tranq to knock her out if she’s got some speed behind her.

8:18: A gentleman named Troy touts urban Amish wear. He’s actually pretty good. Sadly, by making up his own song he’s disqualified himself. Hey bud, conform.

8:19: When someone says, “unique vocal range,” that’s code for “makes dogs howl.”

8:20: I can’t help it; I almost always laugh at bad singing. It’s just human nature.

8:21: If you’re keeping track, we’re 21 minutes in and Paula’s total screen time is 42 seconds. You can’t protect her forever, producers. C’mon, give us just a taste.

8:22: Jewel points out that as a performer you have to be able to handle pressure. She’s not kidding; yodeling can be a stressful ride.

8:29:: Apollo Creed is in the house! No, seriously, he's dressed like the guy from Rocky. Please, can we have our first talented person. Please?

8:30:: As it turns out, Apollo can sing a bit. They let him go and segue to a gal born a “crack baby.” Her words, not mine. Clearly this forsaken gal is going to make it. Even American Idol isn’t that cruel.

8:33: Yep, I still get chills when someone is really good. The forsaken girl, Denise Jackson, can SING with a capital ING. She’s our first Hollywood goer!

8:40: American Idol does a mockumentary bit on singers who forget the words to songs. This is done with Adagio for Strings in the background, a song used to great effect in Platoon. You see the connection, right? Keep looking.

8:43: Why do they keep one of the double doors locked? All the contestants knock into the door right after Simon says “other door.” It’s the joke that keeps on giving.

8:44: A girl calls Seacrest short. Bring back Brian Dunkleman!

8:47: Jewel is hard-core! But we have our second “going to Hollywood.”

8:53:: A cowboy is in the house. Simon, to his credit, always looks freshly horrified by poor singing. Jewel asks one of the baddies if “he’s serious.” Man, Jewel is GANGSTA!

8:57: Jarrod Fowler is the first male we’ve seen make it, from the U.S. Navy no less. You think American Idol would put a man in uniform up to be made fun of? Remember, it’s American Idol, not Commie Idol.

8:59: One hour gone and three people have made it. Yep, the theme of the first hour has been bleeding ears.

9:03: Rakel can’t sing. Trista can’t sing. Stephen can’t sing. The beat goes on.

9:07: Honestly, Jewel should replace Paula Abdul. She pays attention, she’s spot on, she’s tough but fair. It’s like she’s a real judge, minus the sedatives.

9:14: Michelle Steingas can sing, plus she’s 5’ 10” and blonde. Guess if she gets in?

9:17: The judges accuse a singer of being a prostitute. Then they tell her she’s tone deaf. And then they reject her. Tough life.

9:21: Matt has a giant zit, but he can sing. He’s the second male in! So, zits or the Navy, your choice.

9:23: Paula just called Jewel “Zule.” Either a pet name or she’s confused from all the diet coke, or whatever you kids are calling it these days.

9:28: Now we have a singer whose husband is in Iraq, while she’s in the reserves. Rachel, the Army Reservist. Casting central just sent her over.

9:31: I’m realizing I would totally date Jewel right now, and that is shocking, just shocking. I was meant for her, and she was meant for me.

9:32: Sarah, who goes to school in Duluth, is next up, and she’s in. She’s holding it down for Duluth, finally, after all these years of underrepresentation.

9:38: Looks like we’re going to end strong with the freak shows. First up: a fella who twirls batons.

9:42: Ah, America: partly psychotic with a chance of delusional.

9:43: When you say, “There’s no one like me,” that’s not good. Because plenty of people can sing. If you are so different that not one of six billion people is anything like you ... well, that ain't good, hombres.

9:45: Contestant Brenna said, “I have ten years vocal training,” to which Jewel replied, “Someone took your money.” Don’t hurt 'em, Jewel! Seriously, meet me in my trailer after this blog. Bring the ukulele.

9:53: Josh is a rocker. They make him sing ABBA. It goes better than you'd think, but he doesn't make the cut.

After another few minutes of commercials and a sneak peek at the American Idol nemesis (Seattle), we're released from captivity. I'll be checking in on American Idol throughout the season, so make sure to keep in close personal contact with Film.com.

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