As far back as I can remember, G.I. Joe has always provided ample tinder for controversy and frothy emotion. As a tiny, budding male, I was barred from watching the show by my sainted, ever-cautious mammy, who'd gotten hold of the notion that the bad guys ("Cobra," as you'll no doubt recall) were snake worshipers. Mom eventually relented, though (no hard feelings -- and besides, we're probably even now that I've referred to her as my "mammy"), and I squeezed in as many eps as I could.

Anyway, so, like I's sayin': controversy. There have been contentious rumors swirling for years about a live-action G.I. Joe flick, and it's grain-of-salt time again: Variety sez it may (eventually) be a go here (sixth paragraph), Filmjunk.com has gone so far as to repeat whispers that this guy might be involved, and IESB reports that Paramount has ordered new script drafts from both Swordfish's Skip Woods and the David Elliot-Paul Lovett writing tandem that scripted John Singleton's Four Brothers.

So ... wow. It's really happening. (Prolly. Maybe. Someday. Whatever.)

Wherever this latest scuttlebutt leads, there's really only one appropriate reponse: Geeked-out faux-casting!

(Note: Like I says -- I got a late start on all this "Yo, Joe" stuff, so if you take exception with any picks or omissions and have better ideas, feel free to share 'em. If, however, your ideas are not better: Ha.)

Duke - Aaron Eckhart
If there's anyone better-suited than in-his-prime Redford to play this guy, I don't know him, and I'm not sure Sundance couldn't still pull it off. As with He-Man, you've gotta look pretty seriously here at Brad Pitt (too omnipresent) and even -- ulp -- Paul Walker (too "Fast 2 Furious"), but Harvey Dent makes an interesting choice, methinks.

Hawk - Eric Bana
So, I somehow remembered Duke being in charge, but I guess I remembered poorly: Hawk's the man. Which works -- I'd follow tough-ass Eric Bana anywhere. 'Course, if we go all elder-statesmen (an idea I like) and make Redford Duke, gimme Bruno-as-Hawk.

Scarlett - Amy Adams
Once again, I betray my Amy Adams weakness.

Snake-Eyes - Nicolas Cage
Heh-heh ... nah. (Get it, though?) How 'bout Ray Park?

Lady Jaye - Janine Turner
Believe it.

Sgt. Slaughter - Bill Cowher
Or, you know. Bruno me.

Quick Kick - Tony Jaa
Oh, ja. Jaa.

Destro - Frank Langella
Close, close second: Laurence Fishburne. Masters clinched it.

The Baroness - Dita Von Teese
Marilyn Manson's ex seems evil-er than Famke Janssen and Angelina Jolie. She wins.

Storm Shadow - (See below)
If you cloned Steve McQueen's DNA and mixed it with the blood of 60 ninjas and sentient molten metal from the T-1000 to create a humanoid being maybe that guy could play Storm Shadow. Maybe.

Cobra Commander - per Dre: Steve Buscemi
Or, you know. Madonna.

Tomax and Xamot (them Cobra twins what feel each other's pain) - Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

G'night, folks!

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