Dre Rivas,
Jul 11, 2007
Maybe you caught Richard Schickel's documentary, Spielberg on
Spielberg on Turner Classic Movies this week. It's basically a
Spielberg retrospective on his films. Well, TCM doesn't have the
monopoly on Stevie "Wonder" retrospectives. I thought it would be
interesting to look back at some of the films of our greatest living
filmmaker and play a little "what if ... " with a younger generation of
directors at the helm. For example, what would The Terminal
have been like if it was directed by David Fincher?
What if ... War of
the Worlds was directed by Guillermo del Toro?
Chances are there would be more aliens and the deaths would be even
gorier. Odds are good that Dakota Fanning would die in the end (the son
would still live, unfortunately). Guillermo would probably bring the
story back to its roots and make it a period piece, only with a Spanish
Civil War backdrop.
What if ... Jaws
was directed by Eli Roth?
Roth would find all sorts of fun ways for people to be eaten by Bruce
the shark. Instead of cartoons, Roy Scheider's kids would be watching Pulp
Fiction in the morning. Amity Island would have a slightly higher
Slovakian population. I'm guessing the shark has his right eye melted
out with a blowtorch. Also, expect massive amounts of nudity.
What if ... The
Lost World:Jurassic Park was directed by M. Night Shyamalan?
Everything would be shot in single takes, giving the special effects
added authenticity. Most importantly, in his greatest twist ending yet,
M. Night offers everyone their money back.
What if ... Raiders
of the Lost Ark was directed by Michael Bay?
Ben Affleck stars in this action/adventure along with Kate Beckinsale,
Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox, Halle Berry, a ton of other super hot
babes and last but not least, Jon Voight as Dr. Marcus Brody. The
action will be stupendous. Tons of slow mo and the scene where Indy is
running from the giant boulder will be shot with a revolving camera (so
you can see all perspectives!). Oh, and you can throw in Anthony
Anderson as Sallah so he can shout "Indyyyyyyyyy!!!!" about eight
hundred times, only in a real funny way (note: funny = REALLY LOUD).
The plot would have something to do with the ark of the covenant or
something.
What if ... Hook
was directed by Wes Anderson?
Jason Schwartzman is the Pan and Bill Murray is Captain Hook. Nix the
John Williams score and sub it with old '60s and '70s rock. Owen Wilson
could play Ruffio and the entire movie would be one gigantic smugfest.
Okay, maybe not such a good idea after all. Glad we've had ya, Steven.
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Dre writes three times a week for Film.com. He's the guy who loved A.I.!
Email him!
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