On DVD: Requiem for an Alien and a Predator

What's a 22-letter, four-word phrase for incredibly tedious bore? Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. Back once again with another franchise-killing sequel, AvP2 dares to ask the questions we've all often wondered ourselves. Questions like: What if the Alien movies just weren't scary anymore? Or, what if two of the greatest intergalactic menaces decided to square off just outside of a crap nowhere town in Colorado? That's right, consider some of the most profound philosophical quandaries of all time answered, my friends.

It's not that this film is terrible, just that it is terribly boring. This film's biggest crime is that the first-time directors (brothers Greg and Colin Strause) were given a lot of latitude and they had some pretty piss-poor ideas about what they always wanted to see in an Alien or Predator film. Watching the not-so-special features gave me the distinct impression that I knew this pair of directors. Intimately. They reminded me of my bonehead buddies that sit around on the couch playing video games while prefacing conversations with the phrase, "You know what would be awesome?" And most of the time what turns out to be awesome involves catapults that actually launch cats or movies that involve all of their 13-year-old fantasies being brought together in one place. That's Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.

There's this sad, sad moment in one of the documentaries where the very excited co-star of the film talks about the moment he walked on set, saw the props and giggled, "Holy shit, I'm in an Alien movie." I just wanted to hug the poor guy and say, "Sorry, dude. You're actually in an Alien vs. Predator movie. It's not exactly the same thing." Because it's not.

Another revealing moment comes when the director begins discussing how the original Alien took place in the far reaches of space by space truckers, but he wondered what was scarier: setting it in space or in someone's backyard. Unfortunately for this film, it was too late for me to answer. If you're wondering, the answer was A. He and his brother circled B. C'est la vie.

The worst part is that it isn't even fun crappy. I have no illusions that a six pack of brew and a couple of friends would have made this any better. The people working on this were really trying. Hard. And weren't deluded enough to make a campy work of twisted genius. It's just another dull, lifeless cash grab, yet another example of milking a pair of great movies for every last dollar they are worth.

All of the extras focus on the making of the documentaries, and I've got to be honest, I had to bail on them. About 25 minutes in they had already begun to repeat themselves and just made me feel worse and worse for the poor folks trapped in this mess. They all really seemed to be having a good time and thought they were making something special. It's always sad to see that kind of enthusiasm turned into dreck like this. Most depressing is the notion that they'll make yet another special edition box set just to squeeze this clunker into.

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