Hollywood gave us a scare this week like you wouldn't believe: the announcement that Brett Ratner, the director of the Rush Hour trilogy and X-Men: The Last Stand, would be helming the remake of Conan the Barbarian.

I had two reactions when I first heard this: 1.) They can't remake Conan -- that's blasphemous!; and 2.) Having Ratner bring back the Conan franchise is about as bad of an idea as having Ratner bring back the Beverly Hills Cop franchise! Oh wait ... two days after the announcement of Ratner's involvement, he talked with The LA Times, stating, "I am not doing 'Conan' now. This is totally premature." This was followed by, "I'm doing 'Beverly Hills Cop' first, no matter what." That's right folks, Ratner is helming Beverly Hills Cop 4 ... but that that's a totally different article all together.

The new Conan is now scheduled for a 2010 release. But should the franchise be remade at all? The simple answer would be: "No, of course not!" In 1982, unknown actor Arnold Schwarzenegger took the world by storm and launched his career as the biggest movie star in the world when he starred in Conan the Barbarian. The film featured graphic violence (for the time), sex, and nudity (earning it an R rating), and was a huge box-office hit. So much so that they went ahead and made a sequel; thus enters 1984's Conan the Destroyer. Toned down to a PG rating (for the kiddies), part two stunk to high heaven and flopped at the box office, ending the Conan series right then and there. Schwarzenegger followed Destroyer up with Red Sonja , another unsuccessful sword-wielding "epic." Lucky for us, Arnold traded in his swords and long hair for sunglasses and heavy artillery, and the rest is history.

Where was I going with this? Ah yes, why a remake of Conan is a bad idea. The saga of the original franchise illustrates one thing: people aren't really into seeing a fantasy sword and sorcery movie featuring a shirtless hero. Considering the original came out in the early '80s, when shirtless heroes were the rage, the franchise should have thrived, but didn't. Hell, the series had Arnold for cripes sake, and it still failed! Today's moviegoers aren't looking for muscle-bound sword-fighters in their action heroes. They're looking for wit, for charm, for good looks. Just look at the Pirates of the Caribbean series. A shirtless guy with a sword just wouldn't fly today.

As further proof that remaking Conan would have Arnold rolling over in his grave (if he were dead), look at the few bulky action stars we've had lately. Vin Diesel was on his way to superstardom ... but where is he now? The Rock might have been a contender, but have you seen The Scorpion King (probably not, hence the problem)? John Cena could have been an Arnold replacement, but I don't think The Marine lived up to anyone's expectations. So who does that leave? Exactly.

Throw in the fact that for a fantasy film like Conan to survive in today's box-office world it would have to be PG-13, and not the hard R it so rightly deserves. Kids play a large role now, more than ever before, in determining whether a film is successful or not. Which brings me to another case-in-point: fantasy films are out. The Lord of the Rings paved the way for The Chronicles of Narnia, but since then fantasy films have been troubled, with flops like Eragon and Stardust, and even last summer's Prince Caspian. You might have sold me on remaking Conan five years ago, but not today.

I'm a big fan of Conan, mostly because I'm a big fan of Arnold, and because it's a pretty entertaining movie. It's dark. It's gritty. There's plenty of nudity, and James Earl Jones turns into a snake! But do I think they should remake it? No. Conan was the exception, not the rule, and making a new one would be a disgrace to not only the original film, but to today's movie audiences as well. Plus, did I mention Ratner was in line to direct? The guy who has made a career out of slaphappy action movies? Give me James Cameron or Steven Spielberg and you might have me convinced, but Ratner? No thanks.

Ammon Gilbert has the latest in horror (and Ratner) news every week.

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