Every year the people behind the Academy Awards complain about how long the show is. And every year they do nothing whatsoever to shorten it.

Sure, they occasionally try something bizarre like 2005's stunt of having some winners give their speeches from the audience, thus saving the time it would have taken them to reach the stage. All together this must have shaved a whopping 45 seconds off the telecast. Hooray. The real time-eaters are the hellacious montages and tributes and musical numbers, and that stuff is never shortened or streamlined in any way.

So, I have a proposal that will be controversial, but that will result in a much better Oscar show. It is this: Get rid of the speeches entirely. There are 24 awards, and with each speech taking at least a minute (more like two or three minutes with the bigger awards), that's more than a half-hour we're saving right there. Factor in commercial breaks and we're talking about trimming 45 minutes off the telecast.

Now, you might think eliminating the speeches would take all the flavor out of the Oscars, but think again. As it happens, all Oscar speeches are exactly alike anyway. As proof, I offer this generic Oscar-speech template. Do you really need to hear this repeated 24 times in one night?

EVERY OSCAR SPEECH EVER GIVEN:

Thank you. Oh wow. I am continuing to express my disbelief as the applause dies down.

Now that the applause has ceased, I begin my speech outright. First, let me make a transparently false claim of utter surprise at having won! I would also like to express hollow praise for the other nominees in this category. All of them are deserving of some adjective such as "amazing" or "inspiring."

Here is where I marvel at the sheer number of people I ought to thank. It is a large number! Allow me to offer a listing of them, each name accompanied by a few words. For example, when I mention my co-stars, I will use the words "amazing" and "inspiring." My spouse or partner has always believed in me. My deceased parent never gave up on me, and indeed, this award is for him or her. I cast my gaze upward as I say this, to emphasize the point that my deceased parent now resides in heaven above me.

If the film for which I have been awarded is a "message" film, I must also get serious for a moment and say a few words about that message, and how much I believe in it, and how important the film has been to me personally. Working on this film was an extraordinary journey for me, regardless of what kind of movie it was or whether it was any good.

Oh no! Now I am becoming flustered by the music that has begun to play, indicating my time is up! My voice grows a little louder and more panicked as I rush to conclude my remarks. Let me end by paying lip service to some important charitable cause and/or political concern! And now I hold my Oscar aloft as I say "thank you" once again and exit the stage, first in the wrong direction, and then in the right direction.

Good night!

* * * * *
Eric D. Snider (website) is glad that you like him, you really like him.

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